I am publishing this short story about my life. It holds quite a few lessons and today is the day i share it. This is part of a book called He Loved Himself and I am one of the contributors. I hope you can gain insight from this and any judgments you may have reflect as to what it is showing you. I am in process of finalizing my personal Book that starts off from the depression and what I did towards the acceptance and love for my self, along with experiences I had during that time. Called The Water Magister: Self Discovery
I share this with love. If this reaches just one soul to let them know they are not alone. This story has served its purpose.
David Andrew Rodriguez – He Loved Him Self
Hello There, My Name is David Rodriguez and this is my story on how I discovered my self worth, my acceptance of self and most important how I began loving myself.
Going back into my childhood is where it all begins. I came from what you would call a difficult childhood. I was sexually abused by multiple members of my family. I was physically abused by my father and by children at school. Because of the sexual abuse I associated connection to sexual acts to the opposite sex to connect rather than taking the time to get to know someone to connect on a deeper level. Which is what our society does, as we tend to jump into things because it is a form of distraction from an emotion. I remember thinking to myself,” Why me?” “How could this happen to me?” It was a memory that has always been lingering in the back of my mind into adulthood.
The physical abuse that was done to me by my father was because I wouldn’t do things he wanted me to do. I wouldn’t want to eat all of my food. I remember a time that still lingers in my mind where I did not want to eat and he beat me, put me in a cold shower and then tossed me out into the patio naked while I cried for an hour or so. Do you know how much this affects a child? I am 32 now and have a loathing for cold water. Every single time my body touches cold water that memory comes up because of how traumatizing it was for my little self. I have practices now where I have begun loving myself which I will go into later in this story to allow myself to come into contact with cold water.
In early adolescence, I would consistently be bullied because I was the smallest and skinniest kid in school. I would go home crying every day. Again, the thought of, “Why me?” would pop into my head. How could a world be like this where so many people could hurt another Being in this way? During my time in high school I remember having the constant thought of “Forgive them father, for they do not know”. I went to a catholic church and truly grew to dislike it by the age of 10. I suppose that message always stuck with me. I would recall thinking to myself, “Wow, the kids who are hurting me, spitting on me, picking their pubic hair and throwing it on me among other things, must have an awful childhood to want to do this to another because of the unbearable pain they are feeling”.
So I took it. I took all of it. I took all of their anger, all of their abuse, all of their hatred that they did not know how to process because they were never taught how to process those emotions. Our school system doesn’t teach that. It teaches how to critically think and remember answers for a test; to be slaves to authority. I just continued bottling all of my anger, all of my resentment to the world from the sexual abuse and the physical abuse of my father.
This next part of what I am about to say is something I have only shared with very close friends and lovers. Because of that, the vulnerability in it leaves me open. Some of you may experience big revelations of judgment and if so ask yourself, “What is it showing you?” Some of you may experience understanding and compassion. Some of you may truly see me for Me. This is the process which lead me to being the man I am today. Because of how much pent up anger I had within myself I never knew truly how to process it all. I recall a time when I was in middle school where I decided to take 6 kittens from a back yard. When I grabbed them I did not have any intention on doing what I was about to do. It all seemed “automatic”. I brought these kittens into a secluded area in the woods where no one could find me. I then began to kill each one using different methods. Do you know what I felt during this? I felt my power returning to me. I felt joy, I felt powerful and in control of my life in that moment.
Because I picked on something weaker than me. But I held onto so much guilt up until I was 30 because of what I had done that day.
Looking back on this memory at my current age, I remember reading books on serial killers and how they turned out the way they did. I read books on how children would “shoot up” schools because of all that pent-up anger. I understand each of them now. Why? Because, I know they had experiences in their childhood where they felt completely powerless. They felt like they were victims of the situation. When they finally decided to take a stand and reclaim their power, whether it be in a perceived negative way they did so, so that they could feel “whole” again. Once they did this, they associated their claim to power by the act and would continue on into it.
I could have easily turned into a Serial Killer or a child whom you saw on the news that shot up their school because of the misplaced emotions I did not know how to address. What was my saving grace during those times in my life? Well for me funny enough, it was paintball and video games. That was my release. I became heavily addicted to video games. I would wake up really late and go to bed extremely late. After school was over I would run home just to immerse myself in a fantasy world because in there I was special. I was powerful! I was acknowledged and accepted. The point I am making is we have to begin finding and supporting children who are experiencing these traumas and show them ways on how to truly feel their anger in a constructive way. Because if we do not do something and teach children how to process their emotions. We will continue to see the same things play out and the story of violence in the world.
My purpose for these writings is to share with you some of my deepest and darkest moments and follow-up with how I took myself out of them. Moving forward into my life I fell in love with a beautiful woman at the age of 21. My mother stayed a single mother after what had happened with my father, and then later remarried.
When she raised me she taught me how to treat others how you want to be treated. She is the most amazing woman in my life because of the morals she instilled in me. Because of this, when I fell in love for the first time I held this girl in such high regard that she would never hurt me because I would never hurt her.
I began to have dreams three months into dating her where I saw her cheating on me. The dreams of her cheating on me were so vivid that when I look back on them now, I can see they were actually memories! It was like a video camera watching what she was doing with another man. I confronted her with this and she denied what she had done. So, the dreams kept occurring. I reached a point where I became so fed up with them I opened up my web browser and went onto Myspace. I had already known her email address, but it was her password I did not know. I sat there for a moment and closed my eyes and the first thing that popped in my head I typed it into that box.
Can you guess what happened? Yep, I was inside her account. The sheer astonishment of what just happened made my jaw drop. I guessed someone’s password at the first attempt?!
I couldn’t believe it! I logged out and typed it in again. Low and behold it still let me in. As if I was supposed to find this out to excel my soul into the next level of evolution. I looked at the very first message and it was of a man who had said he couldn’t do this anymore because he knew how much I loved her. Her response was something that set me off saying ,“It would be a shame to not have sex with you again”. Upon reading this my blood boiled! I felt the heat of the sun all over my body which filled me with fury. I began to cry uncontrollably. How could someone do this to another person?
This then brought up old memories. Memories of my sexual abuse that I had blocked out. I laid there crying loudly in my bed. It made me cry even more that I had been denying the emotions I felt during those times in my younger years. I didn’t want to feel this anymore. “Fuck this world!” “I have nothing to live for!”, I kept thinking. I had many thoughts of suicide at this point because there was nothing in this life that I wanted anymore. I never acted on it of course, but maybe in a parallel reality I did. I say this because to this day, I still do not know why I chose not to. I had all the reasons to do so but I just couldn’t. I hadn’t fulfilled a purpose in this souls contract just yet.
Because of the resentment I now held towards her, I then began resenting all women.
For a period of five years I put up walls. My heart was cold and I became promiscuous. I would read up on how to manipulate people via pick-up artists books. My idol for a while was an author named Tucker Max. During these 5 years I had the most sex I have ever had in my life. I was with over 80 partners. It ranged from couples, to orgies, to Craigslist sex and even on two occasions prostitutes. I didn’t want to “feel” anymore.
I decided to place all my anger on everyone else by making them feel manipulated and treating them like dirt because that was how I felt. I wanted them all to hurt. There were instances where a few women wanted to get close and I just lied and told them I loved them just to have sex with them because it was what they wanted to hear. I would run from women that showed too much love to me. Why would I want to feel that much love when I didn’t even love myself at that point?
I was an alcoholic during those years and drank practically every day. I did drugs because I didn’t want to feel emotions. I remember an entire month I used ecstasy every day because it made everything go away. It made me feel confident in myself to further take advantage of women in their weak states. I was truly a bad person, or so I thought.
During the last few months of that period, I began to feel tired of manipulation and I wanted to just stop it all together. I was on dating sites for a good majority which was how I seduced so many. I was beginning to close down my accounts because I didn’t want that life anymore. The moment I made that choice was what I now see as a blessing. A beautiful women came into my life and loved me. I had become a broken version of who I once was. She didn’t care. She brought me up from that darkness to a neutral point. This was not easy for her.
During the three years she and I dated I still didn’t want to feel certain things because it would bring up memories of my childhood and other things. Why would I want to feel that? At this point in my life I was still addicted to video games. Every day I would finish work and play fantasy games that made me feel like I could make something of myself. I felt special in those games. I was always seeking those feelings outside of myself. My girlfriend during this time was not receiving the proper love a women deserved. I would spend some time with her but I would still go right back to the video games because that was the way I felt safe. That was where I felt comfortable in my little bubble of reality so I did not have to feel.
I began to research conspiracy theories and got heavily into all of it. I began going from being in my bubble of reality to genuine fear. I began to be fearful of the government. I began to be fearful of the chemicals in the air. I began to be fearful of people and what ulterior motives they may have.
Throughout this, She still stuck with me for a while. I began to be a “prepper” and spent over $5,000 in survival equipment thinking the financial system was going to collapse. I taught myself archery. I taught myself how to make and load my own bullets. I owned 3 guns at the time. I invested all of my money in seeds, bullets and survival equipment.
I was in a downward spiral at this point and this was when she broke up with me. She was afraid of where I was headed. I was heavily depressed some days. I remember watching her leave and taking mostly everything from the apartment leaving it practically empty. I sat there while her friends helped her take everything out. One of them murmured,“Wow, this is so awkward.” I was sitting at my computer in my underwear, tears in my eyes in awe of everything that what was happening around me. I cried for days.
I had a memory of when I was 21 or so I would read self-help books but it made no sense to me so I just stored the information in my head and continued finding ways to numb myself. Then, one day out of the blue from the days I had been crying. I hear a voice whisper to me and say, “Meditation”. I wondered, “Why is that in my mind?” On this day though, the moment meditation popped into my head I went on Youtube and typed in “Meditation music”. The first thing that I saw was a third eye meditation video. I began listening to this for 3 days for about 5-15 minutes a day. On the third day, I then heard another word pop into my head, it was “Reiki”. I had no idea what this word was or what it meant. I Googled it as well. I then looked for a Reiki healer in my area and found one.
This was the beginning of my self love. I began going to reiki circles with others who too are healing from traumas and some afraid to be vulnerable, others wanting to share. I was just there to see what it was about. I remember not ever wanting to hug anyone or allowing them to get too close. I would hug at times but make sure there was a lot of space and it was quick tap on the back so it could end quickly. This was the start of my true awakening. This made me who I am and realized my purpose in this world. I began reading and studying any piece of spirituality I could find or that came recommended. I spent the majority of my time at a place called: Mystic Water Kava Bar. This was where I found Kava. It took me out of my depression. I felt at peace and blissful every time I drank.
I began finding teachers because I was now ready. I was ready to step into my Self. I was ready to love. I was ready to be vulnerable. I began journaling all of the things I did to give love to myself from ayahausca ceremonies, peyote and one-on-one sessions. All of it is in a journal that I am writing. My book that is based on those entries, “The Water Magister: Self Discovery” includes some poems and experiences during that time. While I am searching for someone that may want to publish my work. I will continue to write. After so many years, I finally understand why these experiences happened. I am now here to share with you the reasons why.
I realize now after all the studies and after all the teachings in my life it was all because I created it all. Let that sink in for a moment. I created all of it, every experience, every moment, every person in my life, every instance of sexual abuse, every time I was physically abused, every heartache. I created it because I wanted to see what it was like to be sexually abused, to be physically abused, to be bullied, to feel weak, to feel powerless. Without any of that I would not be able to relate and connect with those who too have felt this. I would not be able to be the workshop facilitator I am today and allow myself to be vulnerable with all of you. I would not be able to allow that bridge to my heart to expand to yours. Yet now that I felt one side of the spectrum, I can now appreciate the feeling of being strong, the feeling of being powerful and unlimited. I can tap into my creativity and no longer cause harm to anything outside nor inside myself. I know what some of you have felt, I honor you and acknowledge you for conquering those hardships.
Understand this if you will. The moment you take ownership as the creator of your experiences, you will then truly understand that you are responsible for creating them. You then are never the victim and in this moment you reclaim your power. You will see how beautifully orchestrated these series of events had to play out in order to mold you into who you are right now! You can see how powerful and strong you are for having stayed with this life. You have purpose, you have drive, you have a calling. You are the light of the world. As you heal these aspects of yourself you will notice a dramatic shift in those around you. Because as you heal, you heal the world outside of yourself. You will then begin to forgive yourself rather than place blame on others. This is where your power lies.
We can all find healing through these stories of limitation, trauma, abuse, addiction. We truly heal the world around us because we then become the beacons of light for others to see they too can do the same. We will be those pillars of society that become a foundation as the rest begins to crumble and go through the same process of integration. We are the light bringers , shining light into the darkness for those who are lost and have forgotten their power. We are that for the world.
Once you begin to understand that it was you that created all of those experiences, you can then go back through each experience one by one. Begin giving those versions of yourself the love that you wish you had received during the experience itself. Send forgiveness and acceptance because you deserve it. You deserve the inner peace of knowing you do not have to hurt anymore. I began sending love to my child self who disliked cold water and had trauma towards it. Letting him know it is ok and that I am here. As I began to do this my dislike of cold water began to fade. I allowed cold water to be on me in showers in short increments for several days while I envisioned this moment in my mind. To send that love over and over until he heard me.
You create your reality because you are the God and Goddess of your sphere of reality. Everything you say in your mind goes. This is why being mindful of your own thoughts are crucial in this point in your life. We are beginning to understand our true unlimited creative potential. Fears of responsibility will come up. Just know you are experiencing this shift in consciousness because your soul is ready and you have been calling for it.
You are ready for this. I love you, I always have, and I always will. Because you are a reflection of my self and I am here simply to remind you of your potential. It is time to take this human experience forward into higher realms.
Are you ready?
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